"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

life...
2001-03-17 - 02:04:27

I went out tonight and found it utterly depressing. The bars were stocked full of people all out in groups. They were joking, talking, laughing, drinking and generally having a good time. I felt like such an outsider, such a freak. People were lined up in a drizzling rain just waiting to get in. I walked around town for a bit just thinking.

I've felt detachted from people before. I've felt disillusioned and totally alone before. Things seemed to 'click' tonight, perhaps influenced by my recent experiences and converstations. I realized that not only do I feel detached, I am. I am not a hermit. I am an outsider. I live a pretty solitary life not because I don't want to talk to anyone, but because I know no one I want to talk to. No one in this area anyway. There are poeple I want to see, meet and talk to, but I've gone over that. It seems the more I want to meet someone, the faster they get repulsed from me. So why do I even try? What is the point? There is no point, there is no rhyme or reason.

No matter where I live or what job I've had, I've felt the same. The first thing I ever tried to write was when I was fifteen. I wish I still had a copy, but it's long gone. It was an essay about people, about the word. Heavy stuff for a fifteen year old huh? I didn't think so then. Then it was what I was thinking and I got the urge to write it. The basic jist of it was that the world made no sense and people were generally nothing better than self-interested bastards. I cited and exponded upon examples like the lady who put a cup of coffee between her legs, burnt herself, sued and won millions. What she should have gotten was a smack on the back of the head for putting, what she knew to be, a HOT cup of coffee BETWEEN her legs while driving. It's pure insanity that she could sue. Parents in many school districts across the country have banned, or tried to ban, books like 'Little Red Ridinghood' cause she carries wine and the dictionary cause it has words like 'penis' and 'intercourse'. I won't touch upon the examples of intolerance from the supposedly self described 'religion based on tolerance' christianity. Looking back, I can see the start of my path then and there. I really do wish I still had a copy. In total there where seven or eight examples.

Years later I still think those thoughts. It saddens me that so long ago I pegged life so well and it's taken my years to see it.