"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

The state of affairs...
2001-03-05 - 04:29:35

How untrusting am I?

I feel so skeptical about anything good life seems to offer up to me. I am so hopeful and yet so untrusting. It's like I spend have my time hoping and holding my breath that it might be true and other other half just waiting to have my dreams crushed.

I am like an emotional pendulam. I swing from happy to sad, from hopeful to depressed with the simplest comment or action. I feel like the emporer with no cloths on. I feel like all the world takes joyful glee in seeing me on the verge of something, something decent and then watching it disappear. It's like I'm the straight man foil for life.

I want something so simple, so uncomplicated...

It shouldn't be that hard to have. I just want to be happy. I don't need money or fame or anything like that. I want to be able to buy the things I need, thats all money wise. Even that's not as big a deal as being happy. I can't think of the last time I was truly happy. Perhaps for a fleeting moment after a swimming race, or a brief flash if I did really well on a test. But I mean waking up happy. I mean satisfied with life kind of happy. Perhaps that's not so simple afterall...

I know that something huge is missing, a gigantic void that I just don't know how to fill. I know how to act happy, how to make people think that I am satsified. Most people don't really want to know how you really feel. They don't want to deal with it.

I spend so much time alone becuase I can feel like I feel when I'm alone. I don't have to put on a 'mask' and pretend. I can't explain why I feel what I do and to tell someone your unhappy is to have them ask 'why?' and I don't know why. If you have no reason, then people are like, 'well, quit bitchin and cheer up.' It doesn't work like that. Not for me.

I latch onto things, anything that might make me happy. It's really kinda pathetic. That's what I think when I step back and look at myself. I'm a fool who whipes the pie out of his face just in time to get hit with the next one.

I want to trust people and believe in people, but it's so hard to do. So many times I've tried to put my faith in them and so everytime it's been misplaced. I've grown so jaded. It's almost like I want the abuse, that I need the abuse. With out the dashed hopes and misplaced trust and everything else...I wouldn't know what to do or think.

How do you act and say what you really think and feel, when no one would want to hear it or deal with it?

It's hard to know what is real and what is just spin my head puts on things. I know that I spend to much time on the net and alone. I know that my mind takes situations and analyzes them. I play things over and over in my head. The different senerios blend in with reality and things get cloudy. I know what I want and try to make things fit what I want. It doesn't work though, never does.

I'm sure unsure what I should do. Should I crawl away more and try to avoid all the shit I'm so tired of dealing with? Should I stay the present course? Should I get my ass off the net? Should I stick to the job I have and make it work?

I think I would really like someone to just ride in and slap my ass around and drag me back to reality. I've been tryin for years and I can't seem to do it myself.