"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Just another day of nothing...
August 19, 2010 - 1:42 pm

I'm waiting.. and waiting now for the mortgage company to reply to all the stuff I sent in. What they say.. really controls what I can do.

I emailed the lucky winner of who has my file the other day and called in today. You can't call guy direct -- rather smart. I was told to wait a few more days. That it's a lot for the guy to read, which is true enough. That's really my big question -- how does all this work? What's the time frame to hear a reply?

It seems another day or two.

I went on an interview yesterday. A gig that would pay enough for everything but the mortgage. I waffle on what to do.

What's new?

If my plan is to go to VA, then taking this job just to get a couple of month's pay is a pretty dick thing to do to the company. I'm not quite sure I'd like the work, but I know I could do it.

Basically it's doing the 'grunt' work for a recruiting/headhunter firm. Calling people, seeing if they are interested in learning about the opportunity we are trying to fill.

Very, very monotonous at first. In theory, it's what I should be doing now, but in a more targeted way.

I also think.. that I thought like this once before. I screwed myself out of a few paychecks by raising my hand and saying "I don't think this is for me". Very much the right thing to do for the company, but not so much for me.

This new gig wouldn't start to September. I think I tell them 'yes' and keep looking. If nothing else, I'll have it to do then. I can't really worry, I think, about hurting them. By their own admission, there's a high burnout rate with new hires. A lot of people just don't like the gig.

I think having a set work schedule would be good for me. very good. I think having daily goals for calls and contacts would be good. I very much lack structure in my life now.. and I'm flounder.

I can't find the energy to do what I should do with the insurance calls. I cringe at the idea of having to drive to someone's house at like 7pm. I make plans to do a big call blitz on Saturday and then don't.

I'm good, very good, at telling me what I want to hear. I excel at making plans with myself that I know I won't keep, but I still feel good, for the moment, when I make them.

That's why I think VA would be good for me. Having to face my family and such will make me do some things. Wholly fuck it will suck at first. So many conversations I don't want to have. So many things I don't want to even try to explain... there is no logic, no reason to some things I've done. There was then, I think. I don't see it anymore.

I told my mom my real mistake was coming back to CT. That's sort of true. I'm good with the reasons. But.. I shouldn't have stayed so long when it became clear my reason wasn't a viable reason. Such is the way with choices.

I should have gone back to VA then, but.. I didn't. I choose to stay and now here I am. Lots of other things since then, but if I could rewind.. I might even go back to grad school and pick a real concentration. I can redo that. Go back to VA now and take some classes in IT. That's plan that lingers in my mind.

All that has to wait.. has to wait until I deal with the condo. Hopefully the guy will call/email me today or tomorrow.

Until then.. I wallow in this mire of indecision and self-pity... and daydream of this or that.. but really, I do nothing.