"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Rambling Rambly Entry
July 25, 2010 - 5:32 pm

I was at the airport coming home from seeing the family in VA. It's been... since last Thanksgiving I think. I usually go twice a year. My birthday and Thanksgiving. I didn't go on my birthday this year, as it was announced that a family reunion of sorts was going to be held in July. Not the whole extended family, but about 20 of us. I decided to go in July instead of for my birthday.

Which.. turned out to be something of "good timing".. as about a month ago my father ended up going into the hospital with a mixed bag of issues. He was there for a few days and then a nursing home for some rehab. He got out about a week ago, just in time for us all to show up.

It really wasn't much of a reunion.. at least not as I imagine them. I can't say that I've been too many, so perhaps it was normal. It really was one day of the 20ish of us all at my brother's house.

I feel like such an outsider at these events. I still get confused as to who my mom's brothers are. She's got five of them. The last time I saw them all was about two years ago. I think.

There were four cousins my age. They area all fast friends. I was game enough to go along on a little excursion, but... I don't know. I just feel... like I don't belong.

One of these things is not like the others....

I guess I've simply lived far too long on my own. Far too many nights and weekends where I'm happy to do nothing and hang out by myself at home. I'm just... I don't know.

They all have these stories of this time or that. They all grew up together and my slice of the family miles and miles and miles away... very much separate.

I shook hands with my brother. I think that was the only physical contact we had. No shake or hug goodbye. I didn't expect anything else.

We sort of talk my first night there. Not about anything with a point.. but just utterly random stuff. Last night.. he sat at his computer playing Eve (I think that was the game) and I watched TV. We didn't talk at all.

I continue to greatly prefer spending time with my younger niece, Megan, than Angela. Angela is going to be 10 in a few months. She's simply too high-strung for me. Everything and anything that doesn't go her way is a disaster.

Or... she was swimming and lost an earring. She comes tearing into the house in full on tears.. screaming for her Mom to get her new ones. Screaming. Literally.

Another time, I decided to spin Megan.. you know.. hold her by the wrists and twirl about. Angela saw this and as I staggered, dizzy, to rest against a car she said, "Spin me now!"

I said, "In a minute, I'm dizzy."

She went into a huff and demanded I do it now.. all whiny and manipulative. I just don't like that. Not at all. So I told her no. She got worse and I said, "Now I wont at all." She ran off in tears.

Perhaps I'm a terrible uncle.

I'm ok with it if I am.

Angela was all lovely to me the next day. I shouldn't say only bad things. She is very much game to try anything and everything. We went to see her do an ice skating reciting thing. Most kids were utterly terrified to out on the ice in front of all the family and strangers.. and Angela volunteered for three different routines. One being just a solo. She does love attention. She's actually pretty good at skating.. only been doing it a year.

I took Megan to my old College and we walked around. She was a bit put off that a school could be so big.

We ate lunch at Sonic. I don't get what the big deal is. The hamburger as so-so. The slushie was.. ok. I guess it's really that no other place has slushies. No other place will server you in your car. It's an atmosphere thing, no so much a good food thing.

My father has a big scar on the back of his head from... a fall he had like a hear ago. He messed up trying to sit in a booth and cracked his head on a wall corner. Must have been massive amounts of blood. It's a good four inch scar.

A few people asked me about my new job.. and I just said, "It's going ok." I didn't elaborate and they didn't really ask. It was always sort of awkward when they asked...

I thought about trying to bring up ideas like my moving to VA and staying with my brother for a bit while I try to find a job there. From simple family pressure, I know he'd say yes.. but then... like last night, we didn't even talk. Not at all.

What to do with my cats? They couldn't go there.. too many allergic people. That's no answer.

I don't know what to do. I just.. don't. I can think of choices and I waffle.

Anyway... I am supposed to hear early next week if I get a new job or... I'll need to really commit to the gig I have now. There's another choice or two.. but those are the top two. I think.