"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Mimic
August 08, 2009 - 9:40 pm

The way.. a casual conversation flows.

I've thought through this entry, or a version of a million times. I've touched on it a hundred times in past entries...

In a very simple and basic way.. I don't fit. I don't grasp the basics of simple conversation. That's not to say I can't hold a conversation, I certainly can. I can't find the words to clarify what I mean...

I'm... like an actor. In many situations I know my lines.. my cues. I've learned these things. Put me in a new situation.. and it's not like a good play.

No, that doesn't quite work either. Well, I like the actor part well enough.

I've been doing a lot of random introspection. A lot of letting various and sundry incidents of my past roll through my mind.. the most weird and trivial events. Just let them play out and sort of watch like a third person.

What lessons have I learned for this or that...

Why do I constantly roll the idea that I'm a bad person in my head? No doubt it's due to the various things I've done. The thing of it is, these are bad things as judged by the rules I perceive society has, not necessarily the rules I have.

I suppose, the best terms I have for me is that.. my morals are flexible and depend greatly upon the situation. Lies are not all bad. Stealing can be acceptable. Perhaps you could say I'm a true pragmatist.

Society, in its hypocritical nature, holds varies rules. Rules we all, in one way or another, give lip service to... rules we apply and judge others by and then label as we see fit.

Perhaps there really are people who truly don't label and judge. I think the best anyone can do.. is label/judge, but not let that unduly influence how they interact with that person. You can know a person is an out and out liar, but still see a movie or share meal, no?

As all to often happens.. I'm way off track. My mind wanders when I write. the original idea lost.. my intent diverted by the rambling nature of my thoughts. Something happens when things go from my head to my fingers.. I explore threads left ignored in my mind.. and once I start to explore, the threads.. they are so small, so hard to grasp.. that the original one is lost.

I've been thinking about how my past interactions color my current ones. How past relationships color the present... now I seemingly long for X and yet.. I do my damnedest to ensure I don't get it. A little, simple bits of innocent sabotage. Just enough I can feign confusion at the 'unexpected' turn of events.

I wonder if I've simply grown too distrustful of others. I don't want to be alone and yet.. every person who has ever been close to me has hurt me in one fashion or another. The desire to not be alone and the desire to not be hurt in conflict... both at work.. and both in conflict. My dual nature at it's best.

I wonder about situations left unresolved. I can remember being younger and not getting the idea of a person needing closure to put something behind them.. closure to being a degree of understanding and acceptance to a given situation. I understand the idea now. I understand it all too well.

I'm like an actor in a play... only, I'm not in a play.. no, I'm out in the audience wandering about. Everyone else is free and natural... and I struggle with the lines I've learned.. unsure what exactly is going on, but I'll say my part as it seems to best fit -- adapt the words I've memorized and make them fit. That or best keep silent and watch. Learn new lines. Absorb the flow or the natural speech and see what bits you can confiscate for your own.

Best tweak this or that a bit.. least one find oneself using someone else's words in a conversation with the original speaker. I've done that... retold a story taken from some else to that same person. Awkward.

No.. something other people have, I'm missing. I've just learned to mimic the world.