"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Me....
May 30, 2009 - 5:02 pm

Both stories were similair in that they were about a person losing a loved one. Neither story was really intended to be emotional.

It's simply my mood lately. I am the model of the disillusioned, unhappy person... who is secure in the knowledge that reason for his unhappiness is himself.

I used to say (well, I still do I suppose), that I consider my family to be strangers with whom I share blood... I dutifully return to them at least once a year, but there's no connection.. there's no, well.. no nothing. I used to say that's just how my family is. Some are close and some are not. It's really neither good nor bad, just the way things are.

Now... I think it's more me. I'm really left to wonder just how 'unclose' my parents and brother are. Stopping and looking back at various things, they strike me quite normal in their interactions. More or less how I'd expect any family to be. The 'strangers' thing really seems to be how everyone interacts with me.

At work... I'm in a much more public role in that I openly interact with clients. I'm all the more aware now that while I can pull off being charming and engaging... I'm really socially awkward. I'm really at a loss for what people talk about.. how they interact... how one should really behave.

Things are jimdandy as long as they fall within certain bounds... but I can really only act so much. I'm quite good at mimicking... at recalling bits of conversation from other meetings and using it.

No doubt it's largely part just how I'm wired, but it's also due to how alone I live. A result of the choices I've made.

How truly sad and pathetic must one be not only beg someone to 'do something' and be rejected... but to beg that person a second time?

How few options must one have to do that?