"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Broken
February 23, 2009 - 5:47 pm

Nothing has changed.

Nothing.

2001-03-27 - 05:44 p.m.
I know what I want.

I can see what I want.

I feel like I can almost reach out and touch it.

Whats the myth with the fellow trapped in the pool of water with food dangling above his head? Any time he bends his head to drink..the water level lowers. Any time he reaches to grab food..the branches bend away...

I feel like that.

I'm so much like a little puppy dog who has a master that likes to whack it with a rolled up newspaper. I see my master beckon and I come trotting over, happy and wagging my tail 'cause my master has called. I know that every other time he's called before he has hit me the newspaper. I can see his one hand behind his back, but surely he won't hit me this time. Why would he call me if he was going to hit me? Perhaps he scratches my head for a bit or mebbe even tosses me a ball to run and fetch. I'm truly in heaven, my master called me and loves me. Sure enough though, when I least expect it..

**WHAP**

Right upside my head he smacks me with that newspaper and off I scamper...whining and crying with no idea why. I hide and sulk. Sometimes I think if I go back with big eyes and my tail between my legs...he will forgive me and pet me and give me treats. Sometimes I hide and hide until I hear him call me, how can I resist my master's voice? So then I go back to him...thinking perhaps he wants to play some more...

Either way, it doesn't matter. He's just going to hit me again...and so it goes.

I think I let myself be played for a fool, even though I know it's coming. I know full well what is going to happen, but still I play out my role...perhaps daring to hope that I am wrong. Perhaps I just see nothing better to do. Perhaps I'm only truly happy when I'm sad. I know the game though and I'm not a fool.

I think a lot of people don't take me serious. They think I'm playing some sort of game. That may come up in a conversation and I will try to explain that I'm not, but then...that's exactly the answer I would give if it was a game. How do you explain it's not? How do you explain you're serious to someone who thinks you can't possibly be serious? Perhaps they want it to be nothing more than an entertaining sidebar to thier life and so refuse to see my actions and words for what they really are?

All to often I step back and look at my life/actions and try to see the 'logic' and 'reasoning' behind them as objectivly as I can. I'm impatient with things. I am tired and restless. People ask me if I know why I'm unhappy and often I tell them that I don't...and if I did know I could fix it. Honestly though, I do know and I can't fix it, atleast not alone. I've talked about myself here enough, far more than I ever thought I would. In some ways I am very complex and it others stunningly simple. I am two people in one.

The old saying goes something like, "It is better to have loved and lost..than never to have loved at all." I think that's something people who are still in love say. It is better to stand at glass wall and see the joy and glory of heaven and then be ripped away...never to return OR is it better to hear how wonderous and great heaven is, but never to see? Is a few fleeting hopeful momments worth a lifetime of longing?

There's no way to know. We only get to experience one or the other, not both. With as diverse as people are there's probably not one final 'correct' answer. That's the key...opinions, just like the quality of advice, vary.

Sometimes people do change. Leopard's can change spots, but it takes a lot of effort, a lot of will. I wonder if it's worth the effort. I know what would make it worth the effort. There's one thing that I value in a person above anything else, trust. Such a simple little five letter word, yet nothing it more valuable or important. How can you have anything without trust? How can you care about a friend or a lover if you're wondering what they thinking or second guessing thier motives? How can you truly want to be around someone you have to watch what you say or do? How can you talk honestly and plainly if you have to wonder which things will get repeated?

That's the beauty of here. The internet I can trust. I can say anything here. A handful of people who see this, know me. Most do not and so what does it matter what they know? Of those that know me...I know next to none of thier friends, so what fun is it for them to talk about me? Besides, if they did I'd never know.

There is no reason for me to lie about anything. Looking back at old entries, which I try not to do, I might disagree with things I said, but I thought them at the time. Once or twice, I've felt the urge to purge something or alter it, but I will not. What I felt is/was valid when I felt it. The mind if a fluid thing and thoughts vary. I wish I had the objectivity to read these pages...to see what I'd think of me.

Still though, not all gets told here. I fully admit I don't have the stomach for that. I realize that I am to sensitive, to unwilling to bare all in public...even as private a public setting as this.

And so it goes, from one day to the next. I awake and wonder what joys will great me today...what fruit I will not reach...and when the paper will strike. I grow tired of the pattern and wonder what would happen if I climbed out of the hole or bit my master.

In all things there comes a time when you must choose to 'stay the course' or 'try a new road'. I'm content, for now, to stay the course...to look and hope as I have always done. Perhaps I am a fool, but I know enough to know I'm learning.