"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

songs..
September 07, 2006 - 6:03 am

i don't mean intensity, i mean.. well, what they mean is all the same. not the whole song, but the snipets that play on the unending loop in my head.

do you hear songs and whatnot all the time? i don't mean 'voices', but, well, your own.. the inner monolouge. i know from some of the recent tests that i'm much more of an audio person that i'd ever have guessed. heck, even as i write this, i'm saying the words in my head as i type them.. an i gather that's not what everyone does. that's partially why i miss words. i can 'talk' far faster than i can type -- and with no backspacing to fix boo-boos.

anyway. i'm stalling, trying pick the perfect single snipet to sum things up. it's tough to do. sometimes i wish i could turn down the soundtrack of my head, but once it gets going.. i really can't. now and then i imagine a big ass volume dial.. and i can turn it. that works for a bit..

anyway. i think i'm going to go with more than one:

"alone.. listless.."
"i wish i was like you, easily amused.."
"i walked around my good intentions and found that there none.."

i would so very much more like to get playing in my head:

"i remember feeling low, i remember losing hope, i remember all the feelings and they day they stopped.."

oh dear lord.. i'm sounding so very emo arn't i? that's not my intent.. it's like many others i suppose.. songs capture my feelings, help me to express things. a cheap shortcut to putting thoughts to words.

why feeling so down? well, the anti-social me.. has been having the itch, the wicked nasty itch, to have a specific conversation or two with a person or two.. and it's not quite happened. things haven't lined up... to have it. that, of course, makes very little sense to you. but.. do to how things have happened over the last few days.. i'm left with the distinct impression that they don't want to talk to me.. and this.. fucks with my head.

is it the right impression to get? i've no way to know.. i mean, i can assume it.. and part of me does.. but it could just be a matter of timing. i'm tempted to ask outright if that's the case. afterall, it's the only way to know.. only, i'm not so sure i want to know.

and yes, there's more going on that just that.. and all the rest makes me want to have the conversations.. and not having them feeds into the rest - a nice and lovely downward spiral, no?