"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

demoralized and pointless
August 30, 2006 - 8:48 pm

nevermind very few of the important folks show up.. and, those that do, come more than once.. which is also nice so at least someone shows up.. but when there's 20 name tags and only 5 or so get taken by the important folks.. it's a bit of "fuck you" to me and a waste of my time to be there.

the above, however, is really neither here nor there - i'm to be at these dinners and talk with various folks, so be it. i will and i do.

the point of this entry.. is that at one point i found myself standing as one in a circle of five.. and the subject of clothes came up. specically, the subject of men's suits... more specifically, men's suit jackets. one person said, just in the course of conversation, my size is x and it's hard to find.. the next person chimed in i wear y and it can be hard to find.. and then he asked the other two people what size they wore.. leaving me as the lone person not to address the issue.

no one asked.

to my credit, i think, i was ready with the answer. though.. the idea of uttering the words caused me some dread as the next "biggest" size is several smaller than i am.. and that next biggest size got the remark, "wow, that's pretty big."

yes. i'm fat.

yes. no one asked because.. it's stunningly obvious i'm fat and people either didn't want to know my size or felt it too ackward to ask.

i can't think of a single time i've ever felt more.. demoralized.

i recognize that a great many folks would take such a happening and use it as fodder, rich fodder, for a change. i'd like to do that. really, i would.

perhaps it's an excuse and i don't really want to.. but, for me, it just leaves me a staggering sense of worthlessness and budding depression. an overhwhelming sense of hopelessness and pointlessness...

my negitive feelings.. are, i think, greatly multiplied by me.. long time anti-social tendencies.. which have been.. reinforced by this and that in my life.. yet another example of something that's pointless..

part of me tempted to explain more.. to try and put things to words, but, to be honest, i've run out steam.. out of energy to type more.