"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

shame, shopping and being a mess
November 27, 2005 - 1:15 pm

i can seem shades of shame-motivation in quite a few other aspects of my life. i'm wicked good at driving people off. it's not a planned or malicious.. i'm not even aware i'm doing it. i just do it. a defense mechanism.. i learned early early in life. there was a period where all my "best" friends moved away.. one after another. so, instead of making new best friends, it's easier not to..

you see, if someone doesn't become a best friend, they won't move away.

classic child logic. of course, becoming good friends has nothing to do with people moving away.. at least, i hope not.

move on into high school and dating.. the first girl who i guess could be called a girlfriend actaully slit her wrists one weekend.. about two weeks into our "dating". it seems i didn't call her thrusday, friday, saturday or sunday.. and, if i recall correctly, saturday or sunday night she got so depressed she slit her wrist. not badly, but still.. she cut and bled.

why didn't i call? i was out of town. being just a shade under sixteen.. and cell phones not around, i didn't call.

i saw her in school on monday with the bandages.. and pretty much freaked out. i didn't know what to do or say.. so i basically ran away from her.

not a terrible choice overall.. there had to be a hell of a lot more going on in her head, but at fifteen.. i wanted nothing to do with that.

the next girl.. the one i consider my first true girlfriend, she and i dated for about seven months. pretty fucking spiffy for high school i say. we did nearly anything and everything. one day.. she says to me as i'm driving her home, "i think we should see other people.."

there'd be no fight. there'd no trouble. there'd.. been no cause and she could give no reason.. she just felt it was time for us to breakup.

in my head, clearly.. i was "bad" enough to cause one girl to cut her wrist.. and now this girl decided i wasn't good enough to keep dating.. all i wanted was reason and she couldn't give one.

shame.. to be asked why did you two break and to say "i don't know.. we just did." everyone assumes there's a reason, there has to be. if you dont' say why.. then they think it's something "juicy" and i really must have done something "wrong".

why am i writing all that? i don't know. a little self-therapy session i suppose.

still no ipod. curious. it's little.. white.. with white headphones. not too many places i could put it, but then as i can't recall seeing it in months.. i'm now positive i left it in one of two places.

this will be resolved one of three ways: 1) i'll find it when i move out; 2) i'll find it in my car or by complete accident months from now; 3) i'll never find it and won't even recall that i lost it in about a month.

i did xmass shopping today. it's not even december. i feel dirty.

i'm still looking around expecting to see my ipod just sitting somewhere in the open. i'm retarded like that.

it's amazing how much i can get done when i get out of bed before 10am and actaully start to do something.

right now.. i'm debating signing up for the three month membership to the gym. if i recall right, it's $250 for three months.. which, oddly enough, is the same as the $100 initiation fee and $50 a month a normal membership is.

why just three months? why not? if i really get hooked into going, i'll do a full membership. if i don't, well, less money lost... less hassle.

i did the monster/hotjobs/careerbuilder/jobs/a-few-other-random-job-sites resume email blitz last night. have to see if i get any calls this week.

haven't cracked a gmat book and my deadline to take the test is the end of decemeber, so while it's not looking good.. it's still possible. i think if i didn't have to ask people to write me letters i'd have done it by now. i dunno why, but i really hate asking people. probably goes back to the shame bit above.. if i ask and they say no, i'll be crushed. the whole "i'm not good enough" will get a massive exclamation point.

shame.. yeah, that's why i'm a homebody. that's why my life is simple and boring. that's why i don't have many friends.. that's why.. that's why so many things are screwed up in my life.

that's why i've gotten so fat and out of shape.. easy to say why i'm single. i'm fat. if i get in shape.. well, then there goes that excuse..

anyway. i'm a mess.