"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

actions speak louder than words
June 13, 2004 - 9:59 pm

what's on my mind? not a whole lot. need to get my car registered. gotta travel to PA to do that. hopefully get that done tomorrow.

that's not true, i have one thing on my mind.

i'm not sure how to bring this up, so i'll just fuck it up from the get go and not worry about if i got it right or not.

you said you want to be friends, but i can't think of the last friendly thing you did. i can't think of the last time you emailed me, or im'd me.. unless it was to in reply to something i'd sent you or follow-up to a conversation we'd recently had.

i can't think of the last time you just asked me how things were, what i was doing.. all that normal crap people talk about.

of course, i'm not much better. i'm not saying i am. though i do mix in asking about your life in between pushing for what's on my agenda.

but really.. this just lingers in my mind - talking on and off for three years and it's not kosher for us to freely call each other.

i have no desire to have a friend who put such limits on things.

i'm sorry i don't.

add in my fucked up issues with trust and it's truly a muddled mess.

add in that you seem to want me to say 'yes, let's just be friends' when on and off for three years i've argued for more and have steadfastly said i don't want just friends.

i'm baffled you think i can just make a statement and change my thinking.

my mind, for all it's faults, isn't quite that fickle. i can turn things on and off like that.

if you can.. well, then i must say i doubt the veracity of your feelings.

i'm not sure why you thought or hoped i would be able to do that. i've been pretty damn adament - from the very start, if you'll recall - about things.

anyway, i'm not sure if you still read here, but read as much or as little as you like. it's a public page.

i may say and do dumb things or mean things or whatever sort of things, but they are still the things i've chosen to do and to say, so i'm not embarassed or ashamed to have you, or who ever, read these thoughts.

so as you say, the book is closed. in all honesty, i think it's been closed for a while.

i mean, minus any sort of movement on your part, we've nothing to talk about. we've been in the same lines for ages.

i feel how i feel and can't change that. it seems i really never ever should have argued you out of your first choice all that time ago.

i'm stubborn though, but even the most stubborn of people gives up at some point when the other doesn't give one sign of moving.. or worse still agrees to something only to backway from it a day or so later - time and again.

perhaps that's at the very heart of my saying no to simple friends - you've just plain hurt me too many times.. you've just said 'yes, let's do x or y' and then backtracked. hopes go up and then dashed down.

tell me one reason why i should trust any words you offer up?

actions are a different story, i've always said so. i can't name the last action you took that was positive towards us.

i feel like a fool for some of the things i've done - esp. some of the more recent ones.

well, this is long enough.