"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

things on my mind.
March 31, 2004 - 9:59 pm

had a meeting for my trip to china. got to see the 14 other people i'm going to be with for the first time. i need to go buy a blazer for the trip - seems we have to dress nice for one dinner thing-a-ma-gig.

parents are comeing into town tomorrow. isn't it funny how.. no other relationship can be as.. weird, as odd as the one with your parents?

i'm reminded of some semi-recent conversations i've had about parents.. and family relationships. the one that stands out the most was this past week when my brother said something like: 'rhonda (his wife) and i were talking... and we think it's a shame the girls (his two little daughters) will grow up knowing dad (his and my father) whose very different.'

a simple and true statement that dropped me into some dispair. dad.. has had two heart attacks and one 'minor' stroke.

to sum him up.. he was a salesman. by that i mean, he could just. to anyone about anything. all the time. friendly - just walk up to anyone and talk to them. he knew a lot about a little.. and could make damn near anyone feel at ease.

today.. he hardly talks. i never really used to get it when people said 'he's (or she) just isn't there anymore'. i'm starting to understand that. he doesn't have memory loss or anything like that.

then i start to think about our house, the house my brother and i grew up in. my mom and dad had it built.. and lived there for over 35 years. i couldn't even hazard a guess at how many times he's walked up and down the basement stairs.

today.. he can hardly do it. in fact, more often than not he walks around the house.. up the slope of the driveway to get 'upstairs'.

he built the fucking house.. and now he can't hardly get around it.

i remember when i went to visit him the hospital after the last heart attack/stroke. i guess it was.. just over a year ago. i'm not really sure. mom left me alone with him, for us to talk.

i fucked that up. on the drive there.. i had thought of what i'd say. about how.. all his life he'd taken care of mom, of my brother.. or me. that was something that defined him - and defined men of his generation i think. to see him lying in a hospital bed exhausted, but not having done anything.. not talking was so weird.

i hardly said anything to him. i remember i had a cold and i was scared i'd pass it to him. i didn't say i had a cold.. perhaps i should have. i damn well should have said more than i did.

i can remember being 15 and thinking.. i never want to grow old. i suppose every kid thinks that. i knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that day.. i never want to grow old.

the one thing he said to me that sticks in my mind.. he said, 'i don't understand this. two days ago i cut the grass and now i can't stand up.'

he can stand and walk now.. just not far and not to well.

i don't like seeing him now. i always think of what i should have said.. of how things used to be. it's true.. it is sad that the girls will grow up knowing him as grandpa-who-sits-and-doesn't-really-do-much-of-anything-and-is-always-tired.

that's not him. i suppose.. in most of the ways that count, my dad is already dad.

it must be incredibly hard on mom. she's living with.. a semi-stranger who can't really help her do anything. she works all day at a personal care home.. taking care of other family's 'old people' and then comes home to take care of him.

time.. time is worst thing ever created.

i watched er today and a family had to decide if they were going to allow 'heroic' measures on a lady.. their mom (or was it grandma? i forget). at least i know, understand and agree that living on a machine is no way to 'live'.

still.. it must be damn hard to say 'no heroic measures'. a cold comfort knowing they wouldn't be wanted.

what else is in my head? the ever present 'us' situation. i don't have the energy to type about that. except to say.. that right now, i'd dearly love to be able to call you up and talk.