"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i'm done.
March 27, 2004 - 11:26 pm

a good person to talk to, a safe person.

perhaps that's what you really are, but in my head.. it just doesn't seem that way.

without a doubt, i'm all twisted around on things, but that's just the way i am.

i just can't grasp the idea of someone who truly wants to get to know me.. but refuses to talk on the phone.

i can't grasp the idea of working towards a serious relationship, but not being able to actaully talk to that person.

in my head.. i'm sorry, but how can you really care for someone and not want to talk to them?

i can't think of anything better to do than be able to call you up and just talk about whatever.. whatever happened on a given day.. or what i'm thinking.

we've done this so many times now. perhaps too many. the sticking point is the same thing.

you say all these great things about you and i.. but then i say let's talk and it falls apart.

i'm sorry, but in my head.. when you balk at us talking, every good thing you said before then turns to dust.

it's my head, my problem. it's how i think.. it's how i've come to deal with things.

if you won't talk to me then.. you don't want to know me. that's the bottom line.

without a doubt you can turn it around and say, if i won't drop it, then i don't want to know you.

perhaps that's it.. perhaps it's my subconscience throwing this up as a way to stop me. i'll accept that as possible. though.. if that's the case, i don't understand why i think about you so often.

anyway. barring something new.. something different, i'm done. i know you can't deal with what i want.. though i can't bring myself to call it unreasonable.. one phone call. that's what i'm asking for.

if that's unreasonable.. well, then.. i don't want to talk to you. i hate to say it, but it's that simple. if i can't hear your voice, then i don't want to see little black symbols typed by you.

how can i trust someone i can't talk to?

i'm too fucked up in the head to sort out personal life, school life, financial life and career life.. so i'm done with personal.

all i'm going to focus on is school/career.

i'm helpless right now on finance.. it is what it is.

not too long ago you bitched i didn't say i cared about you - i said it, just not in the specific words you wanted to hear.. i said it again tonight.

nothing changes. you don't want what i want and i need to get that straight in my head. i don't think you ever wanted what i wanted. it sucks to be the one who wants more in a 'relationship'.

i deal with it poorly. i tried to be upfront with that three years ago.. i told you if you really didn't want to try an 'us' say so now. i asked and you said 'yes, i want to try.' part of trying is communication and, as i've said before, talking trumps typing in communication.

with all the shit i've said and done i can't really blame you for not wanting to talk to me. i wouldn't want to talk to me.

anyway, i'm sorry.