"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

biggest dork i know
November 23, 2003 - 11:04 pm

i'm actaully finding myself at peace, which is pretty odd considering all the things that have happened this week.

there's been lots of personal stuff in here, things that probably should have all been just between me and her.. but being as our relationship was pretty dysfunctional, it spilled over into here.

i suppose that's a good thing. i've now got a written record of somethings.. there's emails too, but those won't be kept.

what makes me feel the 'best', for lack of a better word and one that if you still read here will no doubt cause ill feelings - but best is the word i choose, what makes me feel best is that in your last email to me you rant about never ever saying x and meaning y while in an email you sent me just a few days ago you apologized profusely for doing just that pretty often in the past.

i was floored when i read that.

i mean, in the old email you said you must have looked pretty pyscotic (spelling?) and you know what.. yes, yes you did. then to get your last email and read how you rant about that you've never ever done that.. well, guess what?

you're still looking like that.

i'm not sure why, but that just clicked so well in my head.. so neatly everying clicked. i've no idea what-so-ever who you are. we were both fantasies to each other.. and when i tried to make things a real relationship it exploded - fantasy doesn't mesh with reality very well.

and yes, i'm a big enough dork that i've actaully tried to date someone i met online. well not tried, we did for a bit, though mostly it was on and off online for just under three years.

it is so very easy to talk to people online.. and even easier just to see/hear the things you like. you get to build that person up in your head. you get to make them in the image that you like. afterall, you only get to see typed words - no tone, inflection, or other non-verbal cues, so you add all that in your head. when someone smiles, you see them smiling just like you'd want to see them smile - nevermind how they actaully look.

anyway.

with any luck my next entry here will be titled kravenism 101.

that conversation i had with jon and a previous somewhat disjointed converstation i head earlier in the week really made some things mesh inside my head. basic points of view for me i can now not only explain, but defend - if defend is the right word.

i'm excited about this. i like the idea of getting my thoughts on things into words, hopefully clearly expressed words. that's why i want the other diary. this one is to be.. just thoughts. i don't want what's been going on in the past week popping in here again.

all that's going to get it's own brand spankin' new home.

i am the biggest dork i know and you know what, i like that.