"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

tired and powerless.
November 15, 2003 - 10:43 pm

i find myself thrust into positions that i don't want to be in, but in all likely will be very good for me to be in.

actaully no, i'm not talking about confused with school/mbaa stuff, though i am.. somewhat conflicted about it.

i want to have a conversation, but it's not my place to start it. at least that's how it seems to me. anything i've tried to start or restart has degenerated pretty quickly.

i guess i'm more conflicted here than confused - since i know what i want to do, but i don't think i should do it.

yeah, i'm off talking in riddles. i'm good at that i guess.

perhaps i'm just not thinking clearly since i'm so freaking tired. i was up at 5:45am after going to bed at midnight after having consumed far too much rum. i watched the girls from 7am to about 5pm. feeding the little little one was nice. i wish i had something better to give her than the sweet potato junk in the jar. i think here mom would kill me if i fed her 'real' food, being that she's only 7 months old. having the little one fall asleep on my lap at 12:30 was nice too. 2.5 year old are only cute when sleeping or in winnie the pooh halloween costumes.

though.. i find that i don't have any desire to have my own kids. i really don't think i'd wish this world on anyone else.

i need to get up early tomorrow, well early for a sunday. i'm going to watch the girls again while mommie goes to church.

the odd thing about all this, my brother never said he was going out to sea this week, so the call friday night nearly begging me to watch the girls today was quite unexpected. i feel bad for mommie - people calling off and she has to cover at the last minute. it did make me feel semi-good to be able to help her out.

but yeah, i'm feeling quite powerless, but i think that's best. i've already shown quite clearly making such choices is not my forte.

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense