"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

i think i'm paranoid
December 13, 2002 - 5:13 pm

i'm confused by this. yes, it's cold outside, but i'm not outside. the temperature in the office is more or less held around 70 degrees. sure sometimes in the summer it gets up to 80 or down to 65 in the winter, but thats still not sweater weather.

when i go outside, i wear a very warm jacket. i don't need a sweater then.

anyway, at the end of the meeting something happened that has thrown me for a loop. the boss passed out our year end bonuses. to be honest i was expecting a coupla hundred bucks. i was shocked when i opened up the envelope and saw the number. i actaully almost had the urge to give it back and say, 'don't give this to me, i'm going to be leaving soon.' i felt kinda like a traitor. it's clear that certain plans regarding our staffing and processes are being implemented and i'm a factor in those plans.

what made me feel even worse, i volunteered to be a part of a new program. see, i'm a very firm believer in that until the day you leave a company, you should act as though you're not leaving. i hate to leave a mess for someone else. well, that's not totally true. i set some time bombs just for fun at my last job (not real bombs, just problems! so don't sick the homeland security office on me!) i enjoyed that. i can be petty that way i suppose.

anyway, so there i am with this whooping check in my pocket, telling my boss that i'd help out with this project, that might well turn into a very long term project.

then i saw my horoscope:

Partnership situation accelerates. The shifting tides in other relationships will make your significant other more inspired to firm up things between you two. Embrace the future with confidence.

today's also friday the 13th.

i'm so freakin' paranoid now. the check, the horoscope, it's the friday the 13th...so i played powerball. hey it's 125 million dollar prize. i had two bucks and figured why not. i'll win and have a heart attack. sounds like dying happy to me.

i'm so very tempted to sit down with my boss and really talk about the company funding my continuing education, but i know she won't. we don't need mbas and i don't make the cash (wouldn't be able to jump me up to where i should be making with the degree either) to justify it.

i think this will be the hardest place i've ever had to leave.

perhaps i won't. i've no idea.