"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

and so we pass...
March 18, 2002 - 5:20 pm

to be honest, i'm stalling right now. i've had about twenty minutes to think after reading the last email and my mind is still in flux. i'm not at all sure how to respond.

so let me start here. it's not the begining, so it's a horrible place to start, but it's near the end...so it's works out better for all involved.

you said and so i, as i think i noted in my email, choose to reply against my misgivigs. again i'm not at all sure misgivings is the right word, but it fits well enough. your post read like someone who truly misses a person and wishes to make things right, to make them better...to make them work. i sent a simple email asking if this was about me and you replied it was. we chatted, if chatting it could be called. no, i suppose chatting implies a willing two way conversation. we typed. that's a good impersonal way to put it. i said carefully optimistic things about us and you repiled, to my semi-surprise, that you were not at all interested in us talking. you see, i was thrown by your choice of words on your page. i was also confused by them, you made it sound as if i had left you when it was you who said we should not talk, we could not talk, that there was to be no us.

this was not the first time, but perhaps it was very near the last. today you said you were done with dating for a bit, a sentiment i can fully understand having sworn it off myself in the past. so i offered a opportunity of a lazy day here or there, you know...something people who, in general, like each other do. perhaps you decided to read more into my words, i don't know. you have before, claiming to know exactly what i was thinking of meant, when i have very little idea myself what i think and even less what i mean. to this you replied that you were sorry, but you're busy with temp work and helping neighbors and don't have any free time.

i just lost my train of thought. i'm well into this and it seems kind of silly to just end at this point...so if this take a big jump, forgive me.

i'm trying desperatly to think of a time when your words matched your actions. you say you saw us together, that you really liked me...even a few days ago how sad you were that i am gone and yet...you reject, without any reservation the concept of you and even talking online. you grunt responses, if i can give that image to a typed reply. you like to say flowery things and talk of walks in the rain and happy wistful days...but well, no. that's not for me to say.

i think the entry you post upset about a friend of a friend (something like that) saying you were a tease is close to accurate. you like to talk the talk, so to speak, but you can't quite follow through. perhaps you see with rose colored glasses for a time and then the rose wilts. perhaps you just enjoy the mental fantasy world of things and the real one scares you to much. perhaps the concept of trusting someone and knowing you could be hurt is to daunting. is where you led us, for make no two ways about it...we are where we are by your words and not mine, any less painful for you?

once you said to me that i had lost the faith. i admit mine waivered, but it always returned. i'm not even sure you ever had true faith to lose.

i spend a great deal of my time thinking and making bad choices. i mean well, but that only goes so far. did i make mistakes with us? yes and i admit the freely. i am drawn back to my little piece of paper, face facts with dignity. that's good advice for anyone.

i listened to oasis on my way home. i've always liked this song:

Maybe I will never be

All the things that I want to be

But now is not the time to cry

Now's the time to find out why

i spend far to much time not finding things out. i spend far to much time as a wallflower. every now and then i decide to try. i detest wasted effort. by your words, by your actions...by your saying that your 'too busy with temp jobs and neighbors' you've said the past year and two months has been in vain. if you truly did miss me or like me...or whatever me we'd still be talking.

and so, like i said to you the other night...and so we pass. i won't repost the song. i didn't pass you by. you have decided to pass me by. i'm still looking and waiting for a ride.