"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

the sun set on tomorrow.
March 8, 2002 - 8:16 pm

i'm still on l with my cds. i've been slacking. i found a really good version of the lemonheads 'drug buddy' on winmx. i havn't heard the lemonheads in years. i've heard a lot of songs i've forgotten about. here's a band i really like, well they have one of my all time favorite songs 'vista'. the band is guadalcanal diary. good luck finding them. if you want the song email me and i'll send it to you.

i need a plan for monday. i was almost really screwed. see on tuesday, i realized today, i was go to long island to meet some people. the concept of being out monday and then on the road tuesday..didn't seem practical. it's amazing. at heart i am a good employee. even though i hate that place, i'm still loyal to the fact that they pay me and therefor i should do some things. not today though. i managed to get through today without doing any thing of real importance. i'm totally coasting..and yet still worried about the day after monday. perhaps that's a sign that i don't think i'll get the job. i'm fucked if i don't.

car people keep calling me asking about what i want to do about the car i test drove.

whoa, my phone just rang. a local number. that's disturbing. i'm done answering my phone if it's a number i dunno. no more of that mormon calling stuff. if they really want to talk to me, they'll leave a voicemail.

the people i know are all in my phone, so it pops their name up. i'm not worried about anyone i know calling me...since no one does. it fits cause i can't think of the last time i called them. we match.

i thought about the book idea i was given and i realized i read books for the same reason i watch tv. i read to put my mind in neutral and escape into the story. i don't read to learn or expand my horizons. i read to waste my brain cells and time. i'm going to try one of those books though. i'm not sure which one, but i promise to buy one this weekend. i found a book i bought months ago that i hadn't read and so i started that. it's kinda eerie. it's pretty close to a story i have in my head. 'course it's better down and more thought out...since i just have a simple concept. a nagging one at that. i like it so far.

i dislike watching the news. it seems that 90% of the shit that's fucked up is due to religion or politics. i have my own little religion and the only politics i like is west wing. so the news doesn't interest me much. i did see a story about more and more priest getting accused of molesting kids. you'd think god wouldn't let people who abuse poeple become priests...that he'd nudge them into some other profession. i know if i was benevolant god and all..i wouldn't want priest who took advantage of my worshippers, but that's just me. i know god has his masterplan. i'm convinced he's spilled coffee on it once or twice...perhaps even lost his white-out.

other things. i wish i'd just pick a feeling or a mood or an idea and be stuck on it for more than thirty-seven seconds. i think that's the worst part of being me. i'm so muddled up and distracted by things that i never quite get around to decided what i want to while i have the time to do it. i never quite seem to get anything i want done or realize i really wanted it done until i do..and then the things i do (ie my car) i do without much thought. my real time logic is often lacking. i need to stop biting my nails. it's a horrible habit. i'll be saying to myself, 'let's just go one day without biting a nail' while i'm chewing on a nail. i know i'm biting my nail and i know i'm thinking i shouldn't all day today.

radio stations play songs way to often.

sometimes i feel like this odd way of semi-panic wash upon me. i felt it today at the supermarket. well first going there after work is silly. alot of the things i buy weren't stocked and tired grumpy work people are there. but there was this odd sensation..sort of like a mild panic attack, i think..since i've never had one i can't say for sure. but that's what it was like. i felt all nervious and unsure of everything. i sort of dropped into this imaginary world. i bet you do it sometimes too. that you sort of pretend that you're in a movie. there's music playing to fit the scene and you're a whatever you are in your movie. you're doing one of those filler scenes movies have, you know to add to the charater development. that's what i did. only in this little movie i was some sort of criminal on the run and i thought i saw a cop who saw me. i was sure 'they' were coming to get me, but i had to act all cool, like i didn't notice them since he might not have been a cop or might not have seen me.

supermarkets bother me. i made it out ok, so don't worry. i'm still on the lamb.

i once had a person convinced i was on the run from the fbi. i lived in four states in one year (true) and that just lead to a natural story i was on the run. they were in law school and i kept asking what sort of law...and when they graduated...it was kinda pathetic in a funny way.

i like chess. it makes me think ahead. i'm a huge random mover. sometimes even with random moves i win.

i need to find a way to keep my mind fed and happy.

i'm standing on ledge

it looks like i might fall

so far down...

or mebbe i'm thinkin' about jumpin'

i could have it all

if i learned a little patience