"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

wow, did i get off track..
January 28, 2002 - 6:48 pm

now on to the main event..

about forty-three point seven seconds ago i thunderstuck myself. that is to say i thought a thought that i hadn't thought before and it gave me pause.

i think i've talked once or twice about how people run around with different masks for different people to see. they seldom go maskless, naked if you will, for fear that what they really say/think won't be approved by those around them...so we act. not always, but generally speaking...we say the policitcally correct thing, we try to do the pc thing. most people don't even realize we do it. it's a learned behavoir. when you were little and you called you're uncle 'fat' and were hushed and told to say something nice or nothing at all...you learned to keep your thoughts to yourself and you learned how to say nice things (well some of us did). that's pretty simplistic, i know...but i'm not in the mood for analogies tonight.

oh that reminds me. the next person who says something isn't fair around me is going to get bitchslapped. i'm so tired of hearing that whine. this goes to someone who was complaing analogies on standardized tests arn't 'fair' if you don't know the words. they were of the opinion that the test should be more like Cat is to Furry as Ducks are to? godforbid a vocab test test your vocab and deductive language skills. who forgot to tell the test makers everyone i supposed to ace the test??

the use of fair, in the 'that's not fair' since of the word should be deleted from common usage. tell me what is fair or what complaining something isn't fair ever did for you?

i'm feeling bitter tonight, can you tell? i think i passed my experation date.

anyway, i thunderstuck myself. i amost forgot. i had a rather eloquant way to explain this, if anyone i ever say is eloquant. masks, that's where i was. masks. you got one, you have two or three..or more. some are old and dusty, never used anymore. some date back to wild days at college, but you've matured since then...or rather you found that you didn't like you in that mask, it wasn't as flattering or cool as you thought it was.

wow i was just gone from this window for like half an hour. i got an email. talk about getting all distracted by bright shiney objects.

i'm pretty clueless where i was.

this morning at work...i was like...totally fighting the urge just to stand up and leave. i actaully wanted to just cry at work. i'm so into the idea of chanting a new mantra at work 'i don't give a fuck' over and over with 'i quit' tossed in for variation.

i really am in a bitter mood tonight huh?

i'm really mad a birds. not that it's the birds fault really. i do park under a tree..but it's ever been a problem before. i should take pics and post the massive amount of droppings my car and the ones next to it collect. i'm tempted to cut down the tree. how childish is that? kill a tree to keep my car birdshit free. talk about fucked up human value/prioritys. i do like my car though. hedonist me says cut the bastard down.

i like family affair by mary j.

i wonder where i get this intense mental desire to do all these things and an equally intence physical apathy.

i guess that is part of the definition of depressed.

i had some pretty bad chest pains last week. i get them often and have for a long time...like back to high school. back then i was told i had pulled something from swimming. i don't swim anymore or lift heavy things. i knew then i didn't pull something, but i said i was young and couldn't have a problem..and besides my mom, whose a nurse, said i was fine. what's a high schooler to do? i thought about going to the hospital friday. i might tomorrow since i have it off. i actaully had some numbness in my left arm, not just chest pain.

doctors annoy me. they like to tell me things i already know and charge me money. though, i guess on the whole they do tell me more things that i don't know and let met get to the good drugs. i can't wait to see his reaction if i tell him i've had chest pains on and off for like 12 years and never told a doc. again..my mom said i was fine.