"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

decsions
January 12, 2002 - 3:11 pm

tv's are heavy!

yes, i blew my wad today. even as i was talking to the guy this voice inside my head kept saying, 'no get something else. don't waste your money!' i dunno what my little voice wanted me to get. i didn't have cash, but a gift card thingie. as i was checking out the voice said get a dvd player, get a camera...of course get anything but what i decided i wanted.

i think what it really wanted was me not to spend the money, but to save it...which i couldn't do.

i've said before that i have like two sides. one thing my sides never ever seem to agree on is buying things. there's my convervative side that says 'do you really, really need this? couldn't you find something better to spend your money on?' it doesn't matter what i'm buying. it could be something that would save my life and this voice would toss in it's two cents and say get something else or save the money. then there's my other side, the impulsive side that says, 'buy the goddamn thing! why do think the invented credit?!? of course you want it, who cares if you need it!'

i guess it's the live in the moment me and the look long term me. in the moment, of course i should buy. in the long run, of course i shouldn't, something better or that i'd like more is bound to come along.

the more i think about things...the more i realize, or think i realize, what i want to do. i don't like cities. i don't like the noise. i don't the congestion. i don't like the high density of moronic-self-centered people. i do like the nearness of things. i do like that almost anything i could want i can walk to.

i really and truely do want out my current job. i do like the company i work for, it's been nice to me. it paid me money and put me up in orlando for three months while i went through a 'boot camp' like training program. they hired me when i had absolutly no experince in what i do now. when i had no concept of the things i now sell. it cost something like 100K per person that went through that boot camp deal. there were ten of use, that's 1 million dollars spent in three months. that's not to shabby a training program. i think what's keeping me there is a misguided since of loyalty. i feel that if i leave it's betraying the company and screwing the people who are there.

it's an absolutly horrible state of affairs when i'm the 'best' in the office. it really is a hopless situation that can only be fixed by removing the 'bad' reps (which bare faced honesty is the other three).

it's a noble idea to stay and try to help right a sinking ship...but is it worth my time? what would i think if three new competent people were hired? would i want to stay then? would i like what i do? no, i wouldn't. i feel what i do is a horrible waste of myself. i have little real interest in what i sell. i don't feel any sense of pride when i try to explain what i do and what i sell. it's just a job to me and that says it all.

i'm 25 and it's time i stopped finding jobs and found a career. i did two quick job hops out of college, but now i have two full years with one company. that shows i can stay and put the work in.

this idea has crept back up in my mind. financial planner. when i was in high school there were three careers i'd say i was interested if asked...pharmacy (due to my parents influence), hotel/rest manager (it just seemed like an easy job) and stock broker (what's cooler than making money off other peoples money?). i went to school for pharmacy and transfered out. my first two jobs out of college were in food service and i didn't like that. i don't think many people really realize what long hours and work that kinda of job is. so...i think it's time for number three on my list.

the whole financial planner idea...and my realization that i don't like cities actually goes well together. just like every town has a doctor and dentist...every town has a money man. it's not the glamorous position with an office on the 70th floor, but i don't need that. i need a career where i make enough money to do what i want, to buy what i'd like to have. sure i like money, sure i want money, sure i'd like to be filthy rich...but that doesn't drive me.

i'm gonna buy some books today about series 7 exam and financial planning.