"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

things need to change
December 31, 2001 - 3:26 pm

i do feel decided rejected this holiday season. that's odd. i havn't any other season and this year is, with the exception of going to time square, the same. perhaps that is a big differnce. i don't normally do much of anything for holidays, but at least in the past i've done one thing for one of the holidays. this year, i've done nothing.

i ordered something off the net last night that i'm not sure i should have. perhaps i will have that buffet afterall.

i thought today i'd go see LOTR's tomorrow, but then i realized i'd be going there alone at a time when there's group after group. talk about getting labled a loser. then i realized that i don't know any of those people and what they thing doesn't matter. then i thought, what if someone there takes pity on me and strikes up a conversation? then, even though i was pretty sure i hadn't been, i wondered if i had been drinking at work.

i just heard a guy on tv say that killing a tyrant is no sin. i love how people just twist and rationalize things. i thought the commandment was 'thou shalt not kill'. i guess there's an astrick in there and footnotes at the end where it says, 'unless thou can come up with a good reason.' not that i'm religous, but al least i don't claim to have a holy book of rules and then decide only to follow it's teachings when it's convenient.

sorry for the tangent.

more and more i realize i do like things black or white. i seem to detest shades of grey or a the very least i seek to clarify eveything to the fullest. someone told me i was like that a long time ago and i didn't agree then. i do now.

it's funny how much prespective really matters. how much out state of mind and how our senses interpreting things matters. it really is all about your point of view. what one person considers obscene is art to another. what is unthinkably evil to one...is perfectly logical to another. what's an example of this? well, how many ancient civilizations did human sacrfice? that too old for you? in the days of the wild west hangings were big occasions. people would gather just to watch them get killed. one civilizations 'perspective' is different than others.

of course we think ours is right, it's ours. anything that is ours is more civilized or better although we (as in the living generations) have done more to harm the earth we live on every other generation combined. it's all in the name for civilization.

i think we are missing the boat here. of course, look at my life and see how hypocritical i am. i have lots of gadgets i don't need. i drive a car that's not so good on gas. that's me. i'm all talk or should i say i'm all thought.

i think i should stop the thinking. heh, isn't that rich? i THINK i should stop THINKING. i can't even do that it seems. my current status quo isn't helping me get happy. things need to change.