"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

getting long
December 29, 2001 - 5:35 pm

i decided to drive up toward fairfield and see some rich people houses. there's some nice homes that's for sure. i wonder who lives in them. what they do. what they like.

i guess you could say i'm in a funk.

i realize that i have no plans for the new years. last year i was all excited about going to down to time square with E, but to date...i've tried to invite myself a place or two (only one seriously) and that didn't work. it seems i waited to long. people plan things farther in advance than i do. to be honest, i'm not even sure i had the right to invite myself anywhere.

i have the incredibly odd and stinging thought that no one even asked me to go anywhere this year. two weeks ago i didn't care. today i do. i dunno.

went to the doctor this morning. not the regular doctor, but a specialist i guess you'd call her.

it's weird. i started to talk about that here and then deleted all that. i think i said a long time ago there's things that don't go here. there's things that are mine.

there's this alanis show on tv. i guess she did some concert for a teenage girl fan who won some contest. i don't enter such contests. sure i'd like a concert for me or because of me, but i wouldn't want to put the band/singer through the torture of having to deal with spending a day with me.

to borrow a line from my last entry (i think) and again from the grateful dead, lately it occurs to me...the depth and enormity of my words about my 'anti-social status' and my sometime desire to rectify that...is not quite grasped. there's a handful of people, not even a handful really, that i talk to. i don't count work, i mean outside of work. none of the people i talk to do i really talk to. i type to them. to some i saying with joking overtones that we should do something. they are to far away for anything serious. that's wishful fancy. a thought that if i was close...perhaps, just perhaps, they'd want to. then there are those who are closer.

i dunno, i lost my thought. i should delete all that too and try again. i've already deleted once, so screw that.

i feel disassociated now. i was pretty stoic earlier at the doctor's office. i think she was concerned about that. i go back in a month.

the past three days at work were horrid. very slow. very boring.

goddamn it. i just deleted like four paragraphs. i'm definilty annoyed and not cheery tonight.

i had good wings for dinner though.

when i was walking around the mall, i wondered who all the people there were. it's like they are all extras in my life. just paid to walk from store A to store B carring package C. i wondered where they went afterwords. if there was some huge line of busses outside waiting to take them to some huge waiting area...where they'd sit until the next time i went out. sort of like the truman show i guess. then i wondered if they (and you) are real or just figments in my mind. is this all some dream? are you all nothing but creations of my idle mind?

what is real but the mind anyway? is the color green real? no, it's just how our mind, with the aid of eyes, sees that 'color'. anything we 'know' is known only by how our mind and it's filters (our senses) inteprets them.

the complete absurdity of the universe would be easily explained if it's just something my mind has dreamt up. i mean i've had dreams myself that looked as real as what i see now. time much longer than i was asleep have passed in dreams. why is it so odd to have a dream within a dream?

this is getting long.