"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

yet more realizations...
2001-10-24 - 8:47 p.m.

we drank some, we ate some...all the things people do on a night out on someone else's tab. people told jokes and funny stories.

i realized that i didn't have any good stories to share. i wasn't a part of any of the stories. i listened and laughed and thought...

as dinner finished up, they talked about going to a strip bar. they took a poll around the room and no one asked me if i was going to go. it was assumed i wasn't. they talked about cars and who would drive who and how long who was going to stay. i live the closest. it makes the most sense for me to drive people there and back to the cars, but not one person asked me if i was going. it's like everyone wanted to assume i wasn't, or hoped i wouldn't go.

i don't know. i have no clue any more. not one, not about anything. i'm not even sure i want a clue. i just know that this is not what i want. this is not what i should have. this is not....who am i kidding. this is probably exactly what i deserve.

i am not the person i like to think i am. i am nothing that i like to think i am.

i lay in bed at night and i say 'i quit' to myself. i used to wonder what i said that about, what i was quitting. it doesn't come with any thoughts, i just blurt it out. i think i know now.

there's not a goddamn person i can talk to either. not one.

this fucking place is all i have.

it was a very nice dinner, but i wish it hadn't gone. as miserable as i was, i miss the dillusions i had just a few hours ago.

now all i'm left with is a dorky, pathetic diary page to whine and bitch to. not even one single live person to talk to.

why are you readind this?