"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

the promise of yesterday.
2001-10-07 - 6:34 p.m.

You have no idea what it would mean to me to be able to trust someone and not have that trust violated. To know that you said what you meant and you meant what you said. I have little hope of that now. Too much time and too many words have passed. You use your past dysfunctional relationships as a shield now. A poor shield at best. You said the words, you did the actions. If you really meant both, then we�d not be here now. If you knew to start with that things wouldn�t work out, then twice the shame on you. You walked into my head and stomped around with shitkicking shoes and left. Here I sit and there you sit. I�m left wondering what I did wrong, what I did to fuck things up. You�re left wondering why did this guy take me so serious? Why does he like me? I told you why. You said the words I wanted to hear.

Time and again I�ve been taught the lesson. Time and again I fail to learn. This is what I think, this is what I feel, and this is what I know. Time and again I�ve come back, hoping that I could say the right thing, do the right thing. All the time I knew there was no right thing to say, no right thing to do. Time and again I put us both through this and that is my fault. For that I apologize.

You just don�t understand how much stock and faith I put in your words. How much hope they held for me. I didn�t see marriage. I saw a friend I could trust, be it sexual or platonic. I saw someone who liked me, who wanted to be with me...only you never liked the idea of us actually being together. Twice we met and honestly...both times were pretty stilted, or so I thought, because you had made them into HUGE deals. I think they went well, but there definitely was a lot of pressure put on things because of your resistance. I should have known then. I should have been smart enough of brave enough to face up to the facts, but I wasn�t. I let myself be blinded by your earlier words and the hopes I had pinned on them.

You�re right when you say we shouldn�t talk, but not for the reasons you said. We shouldn�t talk because of all the things you said and all the emails you sent me. You shouldn�t drop by and read my page. You should keep ignoring me on AOL when you log on or better still take me off you buddy list. You see, buddies like to talk and be with buddies. Buddies don�t just give lip service to the concept. I�m sure you�ve had horrible experiences, but we all have. That�s nothing less than an excuse. A shitty shield to hide behind and say �it�s not my fault, you don�t understand I�ve had bad experiences.� Perhaps you should ahve considered that before you talked of us being together. Perhaps you should have considered that before we started trading naughty pics. What else is someone to think when they start to receive zip files of pictures? Why wouldn�t iI believe the words you said, that you liked me and saw us together. Why wouldn�t it drive me to exasperated confusion when you flipout over the idea we go to a concert together. Isn�t doing nonseuxal things together part of the slow buildup of a relationship you said you wanted? I�m confused how erotic pictures are fine, but a concert or a movie is out of the question.

I�ve watched relationship after relationship of my own and with friends fall apart. Hell, I�m a virtual hermit anymore. You never got that did you? You were a real �light� to me. I don�t talk to people outside of work. I don�t have friends to just hang out with. If you even have to ask why, I�ll just direct you to some of my earlier pages. I�ve told the story there of how every real friend I�ve ever had since elementary school has �left� me in one way or another. How time and again I get hurt and why I don�t open up to people. You never got that us talking and joking and opening up was a big, a huge thing. You were careless with me, not on purpose. I understand that, but you were careless nonetheless. You have no idea how the things you�ve done, or rather not done, have hurt me. That�s why you shouldn�t read my page anymore, that�s why we should stop talking.

Perhaps I�m wrong about everything. In your mind I�m sure I�m wrong about a lot of things. I can�t help that. This is what I think and that�s all I can work with. In the end, it doesn�t really matter if I�m right or wrong, we agree and that�s all there is.

So here we sit with the promised of yesterday. One delusion, disillusioned, listless boy and whatever words you choose to describe yourself.

What's really ironic here is that I didn't do anything this time. I just responded to where you took the conversation.