"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

in reply..
2001-10-02 - 7:45 p.m.

in my last entry i said that 'alone' and 'listless' summarize me. they do.

alone is defined, in part, as:

'being apart from others; solitary'.

listless is defined as:

'lacking energy or disinclined to exert effort; lethargic.'

now, thoreau is pretty much thought of as a wise man and i don't dispute that wisdom can be found in his words. i don't dispute that my page has been visted some 380+ times, which works out to about one person for every day i've posted here. i've spent countless hours and days plopped down here since i first got hooked on irc and muds back in 1994. i couldn't even hazard a guess at how many friday and saturday nights were spent sitting here. for a long time, i counted the only good friends i had as online people. i think that past has a lot to do with why i'm alone now. i'm far more at ease online. i can be anyone i want to be here and i don't worry or fear what anyone thinks. the things i've done online would probably shock you.

i say that i'm alone, because i sit here alone. people coming to look at my page isn't really company. chatting online isn't really chatting, not to me...not anymore. once upon a time i diluted myself, sort as you suggest i should. i don't dispute that an online support system is better than nothing and can be an excellent 'crutch' or solution in the short term. i've always been a reserved kinda person in person. i try to be outgoing and can succed in limited shortterm situations, but it's not my normal nature. i say i'm alone because the only people i actaully talk to are at work. once home, unless my parents happen to call, i don't talk to anyone. i often go whole weekends without speaking to anyone, unless you count ordering food. there is no one i know who lives in this city. the nearest people i know are in the next town up and are from work. there is no one i can call and just say 'hey, do you want to hang out?' if that is not the definition of alone, then i don't know what is.

i say im listless is...i really lack the energy to change this. i lack the drive, the focus, the...the whatever to correct things. that's not true. i try, when i get inspired. i fail though. it seems i don't quite get inspired by the right people or situations. that just leads to more discouragment and less of an inclination to try next time. the dog can only be kicked so many times before he stops coming when his master calls.

i don't mean to argue with you and i certianly don't mind you getting philosophical. i simply choose a short version to my normally long and rambling posts...there's nothing in that last entry i havn't said a hundred times before here. perhaps i should have added in some other words, but those two simple words...seemed well...fitting and one of the 'clear' and expressive entries i've done.