"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." -- unknown

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

realization and quotes
2001-04-12 - 6:35 p.m.

Actually 'roots' of todays oddness go back a few days. I was talkin' to a friend about my future "plans" (I use the term plans loosely). In general my plans are pretty sketchy. What I want is not, but how/where to find it is. I know that, in general, I'm not happy with the status of my life. I think that's pretty darn clear by the slop on these pages. I've attributed this to a vast array small and large things. Some were past issues, some were views of myself, some were my views of the world at large. In other words, a lot of jumbled up muck. One of the big ones was my job, that I don't like what I do.

That's not totally true. What I do now, is not what I want to do for the rest of my life...BUT I do like my field and my company. What I dont like is my current position. So..I looked through my companies HR pages today and found what I think would be a job I'd like to do. So...I printed out the posting and went off to find my boss. We had a long talk, not the first about my career path. He knows I want off the desk, but he doesn't want to leave. Which I can understand and I've been playing the 'good soldier' for awhile and he knows it. He was a bit shocked that I had the ad and so the long talk started...

In short we went over the things I liked and didn't like about what I'm doing. Once he was calmed down that it wasn't him of the office I didn't like, but my role. He outlined a postion in the company that our office doesn't really have. With out going into a long, long description of my office (which is atypical in the company) it's hard to describe the actaul situation. The postion I think I'd like. It's still a sale-ish postion, but with a clear focus on behind-the-scenes workings of the office. A sort of assisant to the manager, but not exactly. He asked for a few days to kick things around with his boss and see if something can be worked to accomdate me and keep me in the location. If not, then he will help me pursue the posting I found...which would entail me leaving here.

NOW...to anyone who has heard me babble about wanting a career where I get a sense of worth..a sense of fullfilment...this might seem a bit strange that I'm looking at a postion or two within the industry. All of this gets tied back to the conversation I had a few days ago. I realized in this conversation that what I'm looking for doesn't have to come from work. I've never had a focused career goal, a dream job or anything like that. It occured to me that very possibly there isn't a job that offers 'fullfilment' for me. Who says there has to be? Masses of people work jobs that hate, loath and otherwise dispise every day, so clearly not everyone has or find a dream job. I'm cool with that. A job that I don't hate is most acceptable. I don't dread going to work here like I used to at my other jobs. I know that I will advance and find a job that I atleast like. I'm happy with that.

Believe it or not, but this was actaully sort of organized in my head, but when ya write as ya think, this is what ya get. Rough drafts and outlines are for posers.

ANYWAY...I came to realize everything that I don't like really comes back to one thing. It isn't how I grew up or how I relate to people, lack of friends, my job, that I think the people (in general) score far to high on the moron scale, that my family is a disassociated assortment of strangers....all of those things are, at least, partially symptoms of my Issue. I don't feel like a complete person. Any number of things could possibly fit the bill. A "dream" job. A "hobby" or "interest" that I really love. A person, my mate..the "one". To name a few.

I've been looking for a new career..tossing around going back to school for awhile. I've been thinking and thinking about a hobby to take up. I've been hopefull and dreaming of meeting her. Basically going in to many directions at once. I think I should get to choose which I want and focus on that. Now, that's not to say ignore everything else, but adjust the goal.

Hrm...that's enough heavy stuff for awhile.

Also at work today I found a nifty page that has quotes on it. There's some wicked smart people saying some deep, funny and profound things out there. Here's a sampling.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

-- Helen Keller

"If you find yourself digging a deeper and deeper hole... stop digging."

-- Source Unknown

"It's not my ear you whispered into, but my heart. It's not my lips that you kissed, but my soul."

-- Anonymous

"Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come."

-- Nietchze

I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.

--Isaac Asimov

The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.

--Honor� de Balzac, "The Physiology of Marriage" 1829

Enjoy..